A Newcomer Asks

The following are Q&A's to some of the most frequently asked questions about our program.

What is ACA?

We are a Fellowship of men and women who have grown up in alcoholic or similarly dysfunctional households and have lost the ability to manage our lives effectively. We attempt to create a satisfying way of life without our old patterns of behavior. For this we find we need the help and support of other members in ACA.

What happens at an ACA meeting?

An ACA meeting may take one of several forms, but at any meeting you will find people sharing their feelings about the childhood experience of growing up in a dysfunctional (alcoholic, etc.) home, how this is affecting their adult lives, and what actions they are taking to help themselves.

I don't recall family alcoholism, but I seem to relate to The Problem. Why?

The characteristics of Adult Children of alcoholics can fit members of any dysfunctional family, whether our parents were alcoholics or not. If the characteristics seem to fit, ACA can help. Why? Because the effects on children are similar, the tools learned here can be useful in dealing with any type of family dysfunction. For example, some families have problems because of divorce, workaholism, chronic illness or disability of a family member, mental illness, frequent absence of a parent, frequent moving, or other reasons.

In some families, active alcoholism skips generations. Even if our parents did not drink, they too could be Adult Children. They grew up with the disease, or their parents grew up with the disease, and carried on the characteristics to the next generation, although they did not pick up the drink. The symptoms persist because the learned codependency is as powerful as the substance dependency.

It is possible that we suffered the results without knowing the cause because our parents drank when and where we could not see them. Or they may have stopped drinking before we were old enough to recognize the effects of alcohol. Alcoholism is characterized by denial, i.e., unconscious lying to oneself. We may not recall alcoholism because denial kept us blinded as children and continues to obscure our vision as adults. Where there is addiction of any kind, there is also denial, and breaking denial is a beginning step.

How can what happened to me as a child still be affecting me?

We believe that alcoholism and other family dysfunctions are family diseases because the family is a system, and that nobody from a dysfunctional family system escapes without some emotional and sometimes physical scarring. The common element in all dysfunctional family systems is a shame-based sense of self. We unconsciously took what was learned in childhood into adulthood. The coping mechanisms we developed as children that no longer work for us as adults causing us pain is the condition we call codependency.

Don't we dwell on the past too much?

The purpose of ACA meetings is to realize that because we unknowingly expect the future to be like the past, we have set ourselves up for repeating what we learned, in error, in our childhood. We are here to change that.

Our memory is warped by our own misunderstanding and when we look back today with awareness, we often find that reality was the opposite of what we perceived in our childhood. To survive as children, we learned to deny our feelings, and early in our recovery the need for reliving our painful memories is not very clear. Breaking through denial, recognizing and understanding the feelings from the hurts we once had to deny, then forgiving ourselves and others frees us from the control of the past. Our low self-esteem and feelings of guilt were based on error. We are building a new foundation for normal growth.

After grieving for that dark and painful past, guilt and anger are replaced with understanding and love. Although alcoholism is a guiltless family disease that effects every family member, its effect on us can be changed and redirected. As we forgive our past and gently lay it aside, we are free to place our present and our future in the hands of our loving Higher Power.

What can I do if I am having problems with my life as a result of growing up in a alcoholic/dysfunctional environment?

Seek help. Adult Children Anonymous can help.

How can this help me with my problems?

We in ACA know what it is like to feel the shame, pain, hurt and blame that are carry-overs from the past. We find that by sharing we begin a process of grief that helps to heal the inner child so that we can live our lives more effectively in the present. We are not professional therapists. Our only qualification for helping others is that we are experiencing ongoing recovery as a result of this process. We know that recovery is possible because we have seen people who have done it.

I feel anger toward my parents and feel guilty as a result. Is this common?

Yes, it is common for Adult Children to feel deep-seated anger and hatred toward either parents, siblings or both. The family disease caused the alcoholic or addict (or other dysfunctional person) to focus on drinking or drugs and the codependent, or enabler, to focus on the alcoholic or drug addict. Our parents' misplaced attention left most of us children depending on ourselves or becoming the parents to these adult people acting like children.

Our natural feelings of love and the values of society tell us to love our parents and family. We may have accepted these ideas so completely that we do not allow ourselves to entertain any bad feelings or thoughts regarding our parents. When we do, we feel guilty.

When feelings, such as guilt, anger and hatred are denied rather than acknowledged and resolved, they are perpetuated. Suppressing these feelings leads to depression, inappropriate rage, undefined fears, compulsive behaviors and a free-floating guilt, which we experience again and again. In ACA we learn to recognize and accept our feelings and to distinguish between feelings relevant to our current experience and feelings which are rooted in our past. By becoming clear about this distinction we are able to see the context and legitimacy of our old feelings. This acknowledgment of our past allows us to break the cycle in which past feelings governed our actions and emotions in present situations.

Attending meetings, reading, writing, and sharing with a friend, co-sponsor, sponsor or counselor are all steps leading away from guilt, anger and fear. It helps when we see our parents are also victims of the disease of alcoholism. As Adult Children begin to recover we recognize that the fears of our childhood are not permanent disabilities. Skills and strengths learned for surviving childhood in an alcoholic home are assets in the adult world. ACA helps us use those assets in a more balanced way and, more importantly, helps us through the process of forgiveness. Forgiving our parents and ourselves opens our lives to love. As we become more available to our Higher Power, we begin to see that we can have all the love we need.

Why the emphasis on feelings?

Our feelings exist and are part of the real world that we have been denying most of our lives. Denial of feelings was the beginning of our denial of the painful reality and inconsistency of our family life. Until we recognize and experience our own feelings, we continue to follow old patterns because we are locked into our old information systems. Feelings are part of the information we need to make choices, especially ones changing old behaviors.

As physical, emotional and spiritual beings, we experience feelings as a normal part of growth and living. Feelings are not good or bad. They are only signals calling our attention to what is happening now. A signal is the first step to awareness, and normally leads to a point where we can choose what we want. It is the beginning of conscious choice, which means we either choose to change a situation or choose to allow it to continue.

Children in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family mistakenly learn that feelings have no bearing on what is happening. The reality of the situation, for which the feeling is a signal of awareness, is denied by those around them, first by the adults and perhaps later by other siblings. Alcoholic/dysfunctional families do not perceive the reality or validity of choice. Feelings, the signal, and choice, the action, are suppressed, denied and/or misdirected. Behavior becomes limited and constricted. When choice appears to be between the frying pan and the fire, we gradually lose our ability to see what all our options are.

The awful truth is that, as children we often felt we had to choose between accepting things as they were or feeling total abandonment. Abandonment to a child is the equivalent of death. As children we unconsciously gave up our identity to our parents in return for their not abandoning us. However, they often abandoned us anyway, emotionally if not physically. Even as very young children, some of us were told that if we didn't like our home situation, we could just leave. Think about this option. We could easily see it was impossible. How would we eat? Where would we stay? Who would love us? In our young minds we knew that in reality we could not survive on our own. We had to "choose" to stay.

As children in alcoholic/dysfunctional households we were told, "You're not really angry, you're just jealous (or upset, or crazy, or...)." Or we were told "You don't really feel that way, do you?" Or just, "Shut up!" Disappointment with broken promises was denied or placated with excuses for the parents behavior and many of us believed "then it must be my fault," misdirecting the blame onto ourselves.

As we grew older and physically left our alcoholic/dysfunctional families, most of us took with us the thoughts, feelings and behaviors of our dysfunctional family. Physical separation, even of great distance, did not create emotional or mental separation or freedom. We faced the larger world with our limited and rigid behavior patterns, and for many of us feelings did not exist. When we admitted to them, we often did so in a way that did not grant us responsibility of our feelings. Or we put aside our own feelings, stepping into the feelings of those around us. Thus, we not only avoided our own feelings, but also took on responsibility for the feelings of others. And so our current actions may not be based on our own feelings and wants, but on a faulty perception of another's feelings and wants.

This faulty perception was learned as children when our own feelings were mislabeled or denied. Because of growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional home, many of us experienced symptoms of "delayed stress" as adults. One of the symptoms of delayed stress is "frozen feelings." We can't feel them, we can't find them, and we don't even know how to get to them. We know we should be feeling something, but we don't. We don't laugh. We don't cry. We feel detached. We may feel we are just marking time. We sometimes wonder if we really exist. We find ourselves in the frightening position of being lost at sea with no reference points for knowing ourselves, what we want or how to relate to other people. This sense of being lost or adrift can be aggravated when we seek professional help and cannot describe or explain ourselves. We know there is a problem, but we cannot identify it. We can't identify the problem because we don't trust our own perceptions. As a result we sometimes doubt our own sanity.

Questioning our sanity is often the direct result of our denial, suppression and misdirection of our feelings. Our feelings are a part of our understanding. If we don't accept our feelings as equal partners with our intellectual, physical and spiritual perceptions, our understanding will be distorted and diminished. Embracing our feelings shows us the way to the truth of our own experience. Feelings are not the whole but part of the process of experiencing a rich, full life. Awareness and acceptance of all our feelings validates us so we can form, with wholeness and openness, new feelings and perceptions. We begin with feelings, and then we can understand, forgive and be free to love.

What is alcoholism?

Alcoholism is a disease characterized by physiological dependence, a preoccupation with alcohol and an inability to control one's drinking. The disease is chronic, progressive and incurable. Alcoholism is an addiction which cannot by cured or controlled by exercising willpower or self knowledge or by making an intellectual or emotional decision. Prolonged abstinence cannot reverse the disease process. It is possible to become an alcoholic in a short period of time, even if only small amounts of alcohol are consumed.

Alcoholics cannot predict what will happen when they drink, cannot limit their drinking and cannot be just social drinkers. Alcoholics cannot be held responsible for being alcoholic but each is responsible for their own recovery. Two helpful sources of information on the disease are Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book) and Under the Influence by Milam and Ketcham.

Alcoholism is called the "family disease" both because it is considered hereditary and because of the impact on other family members. Its nature is such that it has a direct and profound impact on all people involved with the alcoholic. Children of alcoholics particularly suffer prolonged, extremely high levels of stress during their childhood in an alcoholic home. Another Chance, It Will Never Happen To Me and Adult Children of Alcoholics all deal with the effects of alcoholism on children. An alternative starting point for family members is Al-Anon pamphlets such as The Merry-Go-Round Called Denial and Alcoholism, the Family Disease. Recovery for adult children begins with Step One: we were powerless over the disease of alcoholism in our past. We did not cause it, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it. We are not responsible for the alcoholism in our family, but like the alcoholic, each of us is responsible for our own recovery.

Is ACA only for alcoholics or drug addicts?

ACA is for Adult Children of alcoholics, whether or not they are themselves substance dependent. It is also for anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional environment, whether or not alcohol or drugs were present. ACA is not a substitute for attending other Twelve Step programs or treatment for chemical dependency. Anyone who has suffered any form of chemical dependency may want to establish clean and sober living before dealing with the painful issues ACA raises.

The specific behavior characteristics of Adult Children have been clearly recognized only recently. Members of other Twelve Step programs come to ACA to deal with their problems as Adult Children and to find solutions. While some other programs focus on detachment, Adult Children break through our handicapping denial system by experiencing and talking about our feelings, emotions and self-concept. Here we focus on the effect our childhood had on our adult character. Through constructively reliving the past, the present is understood.

What is codependency?

Several examples of codependency are:

• "... a term used to describe an exaggerated dependent pattern of learned behaviors, beliefs and feelings that make life painful. It is a dependence on people and things outside the self, along with neglect of the self to the point of having little self identity."
  (Sondra Smalley, Director of Dependencies Institute of Minnesota, Choicemaking, Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, Health Communications, Inc., Pompano Beach, 1985, p. 2.)

• "...an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules, rules which prevent the open expression of feeling, as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems."
  (Robert Subby, Director of Family Systems, Inc., Minneapolis, Choicemaking, Ibid., p. 2.)

• "... a specific condition that is characterized by preoccupation and extreme dependence (emotionally, socially, and sometimes physically), on a person or object. Eventually, this dependence on another person becomes a pathological condition that affects the codependent in all other relationships."
  (Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, Choicemaking, Ibid., p. 2.)

• "... a primary, progressive and chronic disease that stands between the afflicted person and his ability to act from free choice rather than react, or to continue behaving in the way he learned in order to survive a sick situation."
  (Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, Choicemaking, Ibid., p. 125.)

• See "The Problem".

• Here are several more definitions of codependency.

(Note: Codependency is being recognized as a primary illness in the medical and insurance industries.)

What is the process for improving self image?

One of the main characteristics shared by Adult Children, no matter what our background, is a poor self-image or even no sense of self. The experience of unconditional love is a psychological cornerstone of a positive self-image. We have difficulty giving and receiving unconditional love because we seldom experienced it when we were growing up. Trusting other people was something we learned not to do, and in many cases we especially learned to not trust ourselves.

In an alcoholic/dysfunctional family, thoughts, actions and behaviors center around the alcohol. Communication becomes twisted and indirect. As children we became very performance-oriented because often the good messages seemed conditional, based upon how we fulfilled our parents' expectations. Our learned lack of trust undermined any good messages about ourselves. Sometimes we reacted to contradict any praise given us, as proof that others could not manipulate us and we became trapped.

As adults we stifle our feelings because, as children, we could not have survived if we allowed ourselves to feel what was happening to us. Many of us were abused physically, sexually, and emotionally. Even those of us who were only ignored suffered, because that was a subtle, but painful, message that we were not worth noticing or being cared about. Sometimes we delay our recovery because our suffering is not as obvious as that of other Adult Children. It is difficult to understand why we are so confused until we realize that invisible emotional abuse is just as damaging, and often harder to recognize. Our childhood information gathering and analytic functions tried to make logical that which was arbitrary, inconsistent and unfair. As adults we continue to function in a way that feeds in misinformation. We don't think we have the right to ask questions which we're afraid to ask, and we don't know what questions to ask. Without such clarification, our misperceptions continue.

As we learn what it means to be an adult child, we take the first step towards our new life. No matter how much our journey along the path to recovery is delayed by our own doubts and fears, we need never go back to where we were because now we know that we are not crazy and we are not alone.

Reading the books describing Adult Children gives us a new base for our information gathering and analysis. As we learn about our characteristics and the manner in which we display them in our own lives, we gradually become aware that now we have a choice. We may continue to react in the old patterns, but we also become more and more aware that we do have alternatives. This heady sense of unknown freedom can be very frightening.

As we realize that we can choose, we become aware that we can choose what we want, rather than what we should. Wanting, even having the right to want, is something we did not learn as children. We learned instead to deny our wants. Often, before we accept that we have a right to want, we experience a tremendous void, and feel that we may fall off the edge. As in all change, we start with small steps and keep practicing.

Coming to meetings, we listen to others whose lives have been damaged as has our life. This is painful, and we can now allow ourselves all the time necessary to uncover the wounds as we feel able to bear the pain. We are adults, and no longer need to listen to the parental message that we do things right now, or else. We are now free to set our own pace.

Crying and feeling our loss opens a place within ourselves for new love, growth and living today. Because other Adult Children know what the pain is like, meetings can be a safe place to feel our pain. Grieving our loss begins our healing process, and our early misperceptions begin to surface, opening us to the opportunity to change them.

Knowledge of the conditions that created our self image leads to recognition that those conditions no longer exist. We also begin to understand that what was done to us was often also done to our parents. They could not give us what they themselves did not have. While this does not change our childhood, we do become free to break the pattern.

As we experience awareness and knowledge of the choices we are free to make, we come to realize that we are not dependent on other people or things for the sense of who we are and what we want. We begin to sense that some part of us has always been as we are now, and that now it is safe, and we are free to show our spirit to the world.

As we grow in the freedom of showing our spirit to the world, we learn that love is a process, not a product; a state of being, not of having. As we learn to cherish our own spirit and share ourselves with others, we see it is possible to view ourselves and others as equals, though different. Learning to like ourselves, we become open to love. A secure sense of self and unrestricted flow of love both to us and from us is a truly possible outcome of our work on Adult Children's issues. Learning to receive unconditional love opens us to giving it as well. We find that what we give, we also receive.

Why the no cross-talk rule in ACA meetings? Aren't we here to help each other?

We are here to help ourselves by sharing our own feelings. When we get into the problems of other people we are avoiding our own. Focusing on others, giving advice, rambling and talking theory are all ways of avoiding our own feelings. Likewise, seeking advice keeps us in our victim perspective, again putting the focus outside ourselves. To be effective, our answers must be discovered from within.

We each need our feelings accepted and respected just as they are. The biggest service we can render each other in our recovery is to listen without comment, judgment or interruption.

What is co-sponsorship?

ACA members are available to each other as co-sponsors. Co-sponsorship means learning together to create a new, healthy, nurturing family of "sisters and brothers in recovery." Our new family provides opportunities for mutual sharing of experience, strength and hope in dealing with what happened then and what is happening now. Working the Twelve Steps provides a focus for forming supportive, non-dependent relationships.

Here are the guidelines of co-sponsorship that we follow. We choose a person with whom we feel comfortable, generally of the same sex, and if they are willing, exchange phone numbers. Some of us have more than one co-sponsor, have changed co-sponsors or added or dropped a co-sponsor. We try to be available to our co-sponsor in times of crisis but also contact each other to share the good times. Co-sponsors act as a sounding board, encouraging each other in our recovery. Our new family provides a shoulder to cry on, acceptance of feelings, non-judgmental support, comfort and nurturance. Co-sponsorship allows us to accompany eey of recovery.

What is a sponsor?

See the article on sponsorship.

Do I need counseling?

ACA is not a psychotherapy group. Many intense, previously buried emotions surface during ACA meetings. Counseling can provide an objective process for resolving and integrating these feelings. If we have problems we cannot handle, we do not substitute ACA for other help we may need.

ACA does not recommend specific professionals or treatment programs. Many Adult Children seeing counselors are glad to share their experience with others after meetings. Adult Children can often recommend counselors trained to deal with our issues.

Remember, we do have options. If our needs are not being met after several sessions with one counselor, we can shop around for another. We now know we can ask questions and interview a counselor as we would an employee. Word of mouth advertising from people getting good counseling is the best source.

Is ACA a religious organization?

No. Nor is it allied with any religious organization.

There's mention of God in the Twelve Steps, though, isn't there?

The majority of ACA members believe that we have found the solution to our problems not through individual willpower, but through a power greater than ourselves. However, the word God in the Steps is a place marker for whatever concept of God we choose to have. It is not meant to imply a traditional God concept. Most importantly is that we each define this power as we wish or do not wish. We do not define each other's concept of a higher power. The program does not define your concept of a higher power. We define our own.

Many people call it God. Others think it is the ACA group process. Some may think of it as a universal law of principles, Ultimate Concern, Good Orderly Direction (G.O.D.), Love or higher consciousness, etc. Some are very traditional in their beliefs while others are not. Others may choose not to call it anything at all. There is room in ACA for people of all shades of belief and non-belief. The term "Higher Power" is often heard in meetings. This term is generic and shows respect for other's beliefs, especially to those who have had past abusive religious experiences.

Our relationship with our first Higher Power, our parents, was formed in our alcoholic/dysfunctional homes where we learned not to trust; we learned to rely on ourselves. As adults we are reluctant to reach out because as children nobody was there. Often, our difficulty with a Higher Power concept is that we continue to project the same negative qualities we saw in our parents onto our Higher Power concept. For example, if we experienced abuse, our God concept as an adult is likely to be an angry, punishing God. Or, if we experienced abandonment, we can't comprehend a concept of a Higher Power that really could be there for us. As a result of our past, we have difficulty forming a Higher Power concept that makes sense.

Further, the word God in the Steps is always followed by "...as we understood Him...," which was intended to remind us that we can choose to see our Higher Power concept in whatever way makes the most sense for us.

There is no one ACA view on the concept of God or Higher Power. It's whatever works for you. We may find our concept of a Higher Power changing as we go through the process of Recovery. This is healthy.

Thinking of the 12 Step group (or group process) as a Higher Power may be helpful to newcomers who have difficulty with this. We need to begin trusting somewhere.

The beginning of spirituality for many of us was reestablishing a relationship with a power greater than ourselves by reaching the point of saying, "I need help, I can't live like this anymore," and reaching out to another person, a 12 Step group, a therapist, Higher Power, etc., for help. This opening up process is a large part of spirituality.

In ACA we learn that asking for help is both healthy and normal. This is a difficult idea for many of us to accept because we have lived for so long trusting only ourselves. Part of spirituality is reconnecting openly and honestly with the world (people) we isolated ourselves from as children; it is developing and maintaining this growth process with learned skills, especially with the skills of boundary and limit setting, because without boundaries it is too frightening to open up.

Reaching out for help, yet realizing that we are ultimately responsible for ourselves, opens the door to spirituality because in this act we are accepting the fact that individual willpower is not enough.

Breaking through our isolation begins to bring us back to a state of trust we once had, if even briefly, as children, and may serve to put our Higher Power concept in a new and better light. As our trust builds, our lives slowly begin to unfold in a beautiful yet sometimes painful way.

Can I recover from being an Adult Child? Will my life get better?

Yes! It sometimes feels that to be an adult child is to be filled with negative characteristics that will be impossible to overcome. The process of identifying ourselves as Adult Children is almost overwhelming, because now we have identified, or put a name to, the vague sense of unease that has flowed through our lives, sometimes vague, often overpowering.

To have survived the past and to have the courage to attend these meetings indicates that we do have the spirit to recover. Our survival skills, strengths and tenacity can now be used for our own growth. By reversing our commitment to compulsive behavior, we affirm our worth and learn to accept choice and freedom. We learn to accept ourselves which is far more than we ever thought possible.

Growing up, and as adults, we tried to understand the alcoholic/dysfunction. When understanding was impossible, because of the nature of the disease, we often moved into guilt and then into hate. Although this was necessary for our survival, it did not provide us with choices, and it certainly stunted our growth. Now, we have a chance to stop focusing on the alcoholic and to concentrate on our own lives. This freedom begins our recovery process.

At times it feels as though our lives and stability are disintegrating rather than healing. The first, and most important, stage of recovery is grieving. This involves feeling feelings that have been long suppressed, and identifying them. We start remembering, and often wish we had not begun this painful journey. As Adult Children, we have an opportunity to re-experience our pain and hurt from a new perspective, one that allows us to learn and grow from our experience instead of being overwhelmed by it. Resolution of our feelings, rather than denial of even having them, is a milestone on this journey towards freedom of choice.

As we remember our experience, understanding develops as to what controls our reactions in our present life, and we are given opportunities to see and to break the old patterns. We transform the survival skills of our childhood into tools for present and future growth. We experience moments of happiness, and this becomes part of the new life we are capable of creating for ourselves.

Going through the process one day at a time allows us to practice our new perceptions and actions, integrating them into a solid foundation for free choice that carries us through the rest of our lives. It is important to remember that we have all the time we need to heal. Often, we want to be there now, rather than going through the process. This is when we gently remind ourselves that becoming who we are is a lifetime task.

What are Step Meetings and the other types of meetings for Adult Children?

The Twelve Steps are our guide to recovery, and Step Meetings cover one Step per weekly meeting. Studying the Steps, in depth, can create an opportunity to suddenly hear or see what has been available to us all along, and to integrate it into our lives on a more personal level than before.

Other types of meetings include "waltz" meetings which study the first three steps in depth on a continual basis. Some ACA meetings study Adult Children issues with ACA books or workbooks. These different types of meetings arise out of the many needs that Adult Children have.

Is there anything positive about being an adult child?

Yes, there is! Full awareness of the impact of alcoholism (or whatever the dysfunction was in your family) on our lives seems at first to reveal only a legacy of negative characteristics. However, the rigidity of this perspective keeps us from seeing the many positive strengths found within us. Children in an ongoing relationship with an alcoholic develop certain personality traits. One study showed that the majority of co-alcoholics rate high in tenacity, aggressiveness, curiosity, ambition, playfulness, responsibility, originality, competitiveness and self-confidence, all of which are positive traits when balanced with trust, love and faith.

The characteristics and personality traits that formerly controlled us because we did not see or understand them can be exercised now as we want or need them. We start bringing our lives into a more wholesome, centered balance rather than the extremes of reaction to outside forces. Opportunities for continually transforming these characteristics from negative, controlling forces into self-caring tools lead us into a richer, fuller life.

To build our new life, we need an honest and accurate assessment of where we are right now. This cannot be done alone. We need assistance. When doing our Fourth Step, often we see only our shortcomings. This one-sided assessment is false, exaggerates our negative self-image and stifles our growth. Acknowledging and valuing exactly were we are in the present is a new way of being here, providing a place to stand from which to move forward. By exploring our past and experimenting with new behavior, our old dysfunctional patterns can be turned inside out, becoming useful perspectives which offer us new ways of seeing and dealing with our world. Our hypervigilence and adaptability take new meaning as we use them to become aware of what we were, why we became that way, and how we now wish to grow. Acknowledgement of our many skills is a foundation for committing our lives to a fuller, more creative process of choicemaking. We are worth that commitment.

We can all be congratulated on our ability to survive. As we move beyond into living, we let go of our helpless, hopeless attitude about ourselves. We acknowledge that we have valuable skills as a result of having grown up in an alcoholic household. Looking at our jobs, we see we are valuable employees, often extremely loyal. Hypervigilence helps us avert problems that others do not see coming. We can discover and correct already existing errors because we have been trained to look for all the ways in which a situation affects us. Our need for control can lead to organizational and supervisory skills. We like to work without supervision, and can handle large workloads. We can deal with high stress situations in our jobs. As we recover, we retain these skills and attributes, but we are able to temper them and assert our rights in a calm, reasonable manner. We no longer feel compelled to take on an overlarge or unreasonable workload. Nor do we feel compelled to throw a temper tantrum to make clear our position, opinion or feeling about a situation. With these skills and our new attitudes we interact better and are able to move and work with greater ease among more people.

On a personal level, our capacity for enjoying life and sharing love has often, until now, lain dormant or been abused by others or ourselves. We are able to empathize with others because of the many unhappy experiences we have survived. Acting on this concern for others may have helped us develop social skills as adults that we may not have developed as children. In awkward or uncomfortable situations, we sometimes risked sharing our feelings with the person next to us, and learned that we were not alone in those feelings. We learned that we could start conversations to relieve our own anxiety and, as we made ourselves more at ease, we found that others were also feeling more at ease. Now we can use this skill as it is appropriate rather than feeling compelled to use it all the time.

Our childhood isolation, which worked against us, also encouraged self-reliance, self-protection and a tolerance for solitude which we employed as adults to keep ourselves safe. Now we are better able to distinguish between situations in which solitude is unhealthy isolation and in which it is appropriate for self-nurturing. Our adult child traits, along with our usually unacknowledged great courage, now help us steer our way through the unknown process of developing healthy, self-nurturing relationships. And now the relationships that we form in all areas and on all levels enhance our own lives and the lives of those with whom we interact.

Not only have we survived, but we are alive in the here and now, breathing, feeling, moving, acting, growing human beings. Awareness of what we would like to change in ourselves allows us to shift our attitudes and change our future. We aren't where we were, nor where we will be. We are finding our lessons and accepting our rewards. We are essentially good people who are also potentially joyful people. A full appreciation of ourselves allows us to actualize our joyful potential. Knowing where we came from gives us an extra sense of joy as we feel and acknowledge the small victories in our daily lives that build into the triumph of breaking the bonds imposed on us solely through experiencing childhood in an alcoholic home.

If I go to an ACA meeting, does that commit me to anything?

No. ACA does not keep membership files or attendance records. You do not have to reveal anything about yourself. No one will bother you if you don't want to come back. ACA meetings make no requirements on our involvement or understanding, and we are free to accept or reject anything we read or hear.

What happens if I meet people I know in ACA?

They will be there for the same reason you are there. They will not disclose your identity to outsiders. At ACA you retain as much anonymity as you wish. Our program practices anonymity just as do other anonymous 12-Step programs.

What if I belong to another Twelve Step program?

If we have a problem with alcohol or any other dependency, our priority is our treatment program and our other Twelve Step groups. ACA is not a substitute for any other program.

As a recovering alcoholic we may find that ACA aids our sobriety, helping us focus on issues that may not be apparent or appropriate in AA. For example, in our recovery we may have tried to do a "searching and fearless moral inventory." Using the moral values and beliefs learned from our parents' perception of us produces an inventory that is uncompromisingly harsh and judgmental. ACA helps us make the essential distinction between our values and those of our parents. As we clarify what our own values really are, our sense of self begins to emerge. We begin to establish boundaries between ourselves and others, rather than accepting the thoughts, actions and belief systems of our parents or other authority figures as our own.

ACA provides us, as does any other Twelve Step program, with skills and tools for dealing with our lives more realistically than we may have done in the past. Each program serves a purpose and will best serve us as we become more clear as to what our needs are and how we can best meet them.

How do I join ACA?

You are an ACA member if and when you say so. The only requirement for ACA membership is if one identifies with The Problem.

How much does ACA membership cost?

There are no dues or fees for ACA membership, however an ACA group will usually have a collection during the meeting to cover expenses, such as rent, coffee, literature, etc., and to this all members are free to contribute as much or as little as they wish.

Can I bring my family to an ACA meeting?

Family members or close friends are welcome at ACA meetings.

What advice do you give new members?

1. attend at least six meetings to begin with before deciding if ACA is for you; try different ACA groups. You will feel more comfortable in some than others. Sample and select. Take what you like and leave the rest.

2. attend ACA meetings regularly.

3. reach out to other ACA's: If there is someone you are drawn to or strongly identify with, you might tell them so after a meeting. It is not unusual for a group to go out for coffee afterward. Invite yourself, or ask another ACA to join you. Isolation is part of this disease, and you can break it.

4. Get telephone numbers. While going through this exciting, painful process, it is enormously helpful to have other ACA's to call in times of stress and need.

5. Speak up at meetings: If you can, get your hand up, even if you can only say your name, and that it is difficult for you to speak. It has been so for others of us. We embrace you. Share with us if you can. And once you do speak, others will identify with you and perhaps grow from what you share. More importantly, you will.

How can I contact ACA?

• Finding Meetings

• Local newspapers often list a "where and when" of community events.

• Local AA and Al-Anon groups often know about other 12 Step meetings in their area.

• The following addresses may be helpful. Ask about groups in your area.

  • Adult Children of Alcoholics WSO
    World Service Organization
    P.O. Box 3216
    Torrance, CA 90510
    (310) 534-1815

  • Adult Children Anonymous General Service Network
    P.O. Box 25166
    Minneapolis, MN 55458-6166

• More.

Remember that codependency (learned patterns of behavior that make life painful) is a progressive and primary illness. Take it seriously, even if you feel you are only in the early stages of the illness. If you are a codependent, in time, without help, you will get worse.