Sponsorship

Most of us want someone in our lives who will accept us without judging us but who is also capable of showing us "tough-love" when we need it. Someone we can trust enough to tell us the truth about ourselves and will not turn away from us when we are in pain. Someone who will share themselves with us but will also respect our individuality. Someone who has experience in recovery (determined by life changes and at least a year in the program) and knows how to work the Twelve Steps. Someone who is willing to help us discover a better way of life within ourselves. That someone — in ACOA — is a sponsor.

The following is a list of SUGGESTED GUIDELINES for both sides of sponsorship. They have been compiled for the sole purpose of helping individuals to grow. They are not rigid nor is the list comprehensive but it is a place from which to start.

IF I AM LOOKING FOR A SPONSOR, I MUST:

• be in a 12 Step support group.

• be willing to be honest with myself.

• be willing to work the 12 Steps to the best of my ability.

• see something within a potential sponsor that I would like to develop for my recovery.

• be willing to trust another person with myself.

• be willing to call when I need help or need to talk.

• be willing to be accountable to someone on the issues and problems on which I am working.

• realize I am not looking for a parent or other authority figure who will tell me how to live my life.

• realize that a sponsor is not perfect, neither do they have all the answers.

• realize that a sponsor is not a substitute for a Higher Power.

• realize that a sponsor is not there to give advice — just their experience, strength and hope.

• realize that any sponsor cannot be my total support group. They cannot be available to me 24 hours a day. I need to develop other resources in recovery.

• realize that for both of our sakes it is better to have a sponsor of the same sex lest questions of an inappropriate relationship arise.

• realize that a sponsor must offer objectivity first and friendship second.

• realize that either of us can end the sponsor relationship at any time.

• be willing to seek out more than one sponsor if necessary.

• be willing to seek professional help if necessary.

• realize that my sponsors' opinion is just that, their opinion. I am ultimately responsible for my own decisions.

• realize that my goal in any relationship is to become trusting of myself and responsible for my own actions.

• be willing to recognize co-dependency issues between myself and my sponsor and work to correct them or end that sponsor relationship.

• realize that sponsorship is a necessary and invaluable part of my recovery. I can't recover by myself.

IF I AM WILLING TO BE A SPONSOR, I MUST:

• be willing to be honest with myself.

• be in a 12 Step support group.

• be working the 12 Steps to the best of my ability.

• be willing to be available when someone needs help or needs to talk.

• be willing to honor another person's trust and anonymity.

• realize I am not seeking to be a parent or other authority figure who can tell anyone how to live their life.

• realize that I am not perfect, neither do I have all the answers.

• realize that I am not there to give advice — just my experience, strength and hope.

• realize that I must have my own boundaries and cannot be available 24 hours a day.

• realize that for both of our sakes it is better to sponsor someone of the same sex lest questions of an inappropriate relationship arise.

• realize that as a sponsor I must offer objectivity first and friendship second.

• realize that either of us can end the sponsor relationship at any time.

• be willing to encourage someone to seek professional help if necessary.

• realize that my opinion is just that, my opinion. People are ultimately responsible for their own decisions.

• realize that sponsorship is a valuable part of my recovery. I can't recover by myself.

• be willing to accept someone for who they are and where they are in recovery.

• be willing to recognize co-dependency issues between myself and the person(s) I am sponsoring and either work to correct the problem or discontinue the sponsor relationship.

• as a sponsor I must be willing to offer someone accountability for the decisions and goals for which they are striving.

WHY HAVE AN ACOA SPONSOR?

An ACOA sponsor can help us learn to have a happy, effective life. A sponsor can be a friend who helps us make choices so we won't be alone in the world, in our problems, or in our feelings. A sponsor can help us learn to accept love and care, to be kind to ourselves, and to be supportive of each other.

WHAT CAN AN ACOA SPONSOR DO FOR US?

Some of the benefits of sponsorship include accountability, honesty, growth, the establishment of boundaries, self-confidence, trust and friendship. An ACOA sponsor can help us understand our ACOA characteristics, and can help us identify and work through our painful feelings. A sponsor can help us live a happier, healthier life by guiding us through the 12 Steps of ACOA to overcome the barriers of our denial. A sponsor can help us take responsibility for ourselves by helping us develop our spiritual growth.

HOW DO WE CHOOSE AN ACOA SPONSOR?

For us, choosing a sponsor involves a few steps: first, we go to several meetings and find someone we can identify with, who has the recovery we want. Then, we ask questions such as: What does the sponsor expect of us, and what is their availability (time, phone, location)? And last, we feel free to try a sponsor on a probationary basis.

An ACOA sponsor does not: tell us how to run our lives; criticize, judge, label or invalidate our feelings; lend or give money to us; cure us; become sexually involved with us; become our Higher Power.

FINALLY, an ACOA sponsor honestly tells us when they can or cannot help us.