By Susan T.

Gradually I became aware of being in great pain. I almost always felt either depressed or afraid or stressed out. Rarely would I have a moment of anything like happiness or even comfortableness. I was getting depressed more often and more severely than before. A friend told me that when he felt down, he would pick himself up and 'decide' to feel happier. I later believe he was talking about a skill I didn't have. I had no idea how to go about 'deciding to feel better.' Over the next few months, I was convinced the world was set up to frustrate me. I was furious daily. I raged at the traffic, at stubbing my toe, at my company (though not openly). It seemed I could not behave rationally, no matter how hard I tried. I yelled at people I loved the most. I argued and cried and felt judged and rebuked at every turn.

I became convinced that I was lacking some fundamental knowledge others had. I wanted a chance to be happy, or at least to stop the pain. Shyly I began to think I deserved a better life. But how to find it? All I knew was that I knew nothing. Everything I thought I knew was obviously wrong or at least suspect. I knew that the yelling, the physical and sexual abuse I had encountered as a child was the main cause of my trouble. I knew because when I thought about the sadness I endured as a small child I would be overcome with sorrow and pain. But knowing the causes didn't help me feel better. I felt as if my world was flying to pieces.

I had known of these groups for a little while. I had been sure that I could never have the courage to reveal my problems to a group of people I didn't know. Now I was desperate enough to try anything. After putting off coming for a few agonizing weeks, I arrived at the Tuesday night meeting. I was determined not to speak. I did not think it fair that I had to attend a group for sick people. But here I was at an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting. I was miserable.

They offered a beginners group. Codependency was described and the twelve steps explained and the laundry list read. When I hard the laundry list I knew I was in the right place. They were describing me and this made me feel even worse. I resented being sick and I hated being labeled a codependent. Soon I realized that it was okay if I was mad when I came to ACOA. I had permission there to feel whatever I felt. Mad or hurt or resentful or defenseless. All my feelings were allowed. I kept coming. I didn't know what else to do. I swore I never would talk about myself the way others did at meetings, and to my surprise, that was okay too. I didn't have to be anything or do anything to be accepted at ACOA. I could come and feel as badly as I wanted. People were kind and respectful and never said what they thought I should do or be. They talked only about their lives, their recovery. They said, among other things, what they had done that made their lives better. They were talking about learning to love and nurture their own selves.

Some of the people there obviously had more happiness than I did. Some of the people appeared to be in worse pain. As I listened, people told of their own lives, and I was amazed at the things we had in common. As if they were talking about me sometimes! I begin to be so relieved that others shared the same experiences I had. I was not alone. I began to want to share these thoughts and feelings with the group.

I have stayed a year now. I completed a workbook study group which helped me understand the twelve steps and how they can be a tool to improve the quality of life. I have learned much about loving myself, about forgiveness and peace and letting go of fear. I no longer hurt as much, though at times I feel sadness and pain. I'm learning to make choices based on what is right for me, on what the child inside me feels, on what I think, on what I am led to do by the loving spirit that pervades the universe. I have much more to learn. This journey will last a lifetime of getting to know me and love me and sharing that with others.

I am sure that if I open myself to love — if I feel my feelings and am willing to grow — that my life will be well lived and fulfilled. Constantly I learn new ways to heal my own suffering from my group, and from the the twelve step literature. I learn from my therapist, and some friends I have made in the group, from books and lectures and from being quiet and listening to my spiritual connection. What was so impossible before is now getting easier. Where I had only questions, now I can find answers. I am a grateful child. The twelve steps have shown me how to change my life.