By Karen

I started ACOA four years ago, and it has changed my life. I have less rage, less tears, less stomachaches, less worries, and more faith, more love, more understanding, more forgiveness than I did.

Right after I got married I started screaming, kicking, crying... I had to go to a therapist because I thought I had gone crazy. As I placed the blame on my husband and told of what I thought were 'his' shortcomings, my therapist continued to suggest coming to ACOA. Oh no, I said, I'm here to tell you about my marriage. She listened patiently but continued to advise ACOA. I finally got the courage to go to a meeting.

I cried and felt like I might throw up as I sat at the meeting. I felt rageful, sick, terrified but also as if I might just survive. I knew this is where I needed to be. I was described perfectly in the characteristics of children of alcoholics.

My mom never passed out but there was alcohol every day in our home. It's weird but I still don't really think about the alcohol but more about the behaviors and how I felt. I remember her telling me to go outside to play, or stop coloring at the table because she couldn't stand the noise it made, or not wanting to play games, or screaming and yelling over little things, or not allowing me to feel anger or disagree from what she thought.

However, through ACOA I continue to remember that I suppose she did her best. Maybe her mom or dad was an alcoholic. My mom was, and I have felt rage. Maybe this is how she felt and she didn't have the fortunate opportunity to seek help and join ACOA or AA. Luckily, thank God, I have. I still have issues with my mom but I have been able to keep the focus on myself.

My marriage has improved so much and I take credit for a lot of that. The serenity prayer has been the basis for much change. I have regurgitated much anger and sadness at meetings. I feel that it needs to come out. It doesn't just go away. Now I almost feel bad for people who don't have meetings to go to! I am so blessed. I feel God's presence in my life. He will be there when no one else is.

One issue that is major in my life is having children. I don't think I could handle it or maybe I don't want them. I feel like I need to make up for lost time. I'm afraid I may never be ready. I'm trying to be okay with this and take it one day at a time. That's the only way to go. God bless!