Newcomer Welcome and the Basics

We welcome you to Adult Children Anonymous. ACA is a fellowship of men and women with a common bond of having been born or raised in an alcoholic or similar dysfunctional family environment. Our program is based on the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions as adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous. ACA is not affiliated with AA or Al-Anon or with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization or institution. We neither endorse nor oppose any cause. ACA is not a substitute for other Twelve Step Programs.

ACA meetings help us put some order to the many years of seeking answers in books, psychotherapy sessions, self-help workshops, and in conversations with people who didn't understand and couldn't help. Our goal is a life of serenity. We attend ACA meetings to better understand our past and our present, which gives us the ability to improve our future.

While growing up, Adult Children of alcoholics and other dysfunctional family systems learned: Don't Talk, Don't Trust, Don't Feel.

When we lived in a dysfunctional, addictive, home, no one listened; we were told our feelings were wrong. We took care of other people and neglected ourselves.

In ACA meetings, we break those rules. We talk about what happened then and what is happening now. We feel the feelings we could not feel then and get in touch with our feelings today. We come to realize that all we attempted and all our experiences are valuable parts of our growth and have led us to this new beginning.

As we begin to talk, trust and feel, we break the patterns which were necessary to our survival as children but which now prevent us from fully experiencing life.

Many of us come to our first meeting distressed and in some stage of unresolved grief. We need to understand what happened to us as children. We need to know that there really was and is a problem—that we aren't just reacting to something we imagined.

The Twelve Steps of ACA help us with the effects alcoholism or any other family dysfunction has in our lives. In ACA meetings we find the safety and love to experience what we never allowed ourselves to feel or express before. We trust the people in the meetings to respect our feelings and treat what we say as confidential.

In ACA we learn to lead full lives through the healing that belongs with participation at meetings. We can expect to get in touch with emotions and experiences we have denied—perhaps fear, perhaps anger. We may discover unexpressed love. We hope you will join us.

Congratulations

It is indeed confusing to walk into an ACA meeting for the first time. Congratulations on your bravery. Do you qualify for membership? Perhaps you may feel that you are not entitled to be in this group. There may have been no alcoholism in your family. The only requirement for joining this group is that you identify with The Problem. Adult Children of alcoholics, addicts, compulsive gamblers, overeaters, debtors, sexaholics, rageaholics, workaholics, abuse-aholics and of other dysfunctional family systems have found help and acceptance in these meetings. If you identify with us, you are welcome to consider yourself one of us. In this group you are welcome to share the confusion and pain that has haunted you. There is enough love here for all of us.

You may hear words that are new to you: "lost child," "hero," "scapegoat," "mascot," "codependency," "the child within," etc. Read the literature or simply listen and you will understand. You may also hear about spiritual recovery and the Twelve Steps. While this is not a religious organization and many of us have found that a belief in a power greater than ourselves has been helpful, it is not necessary to have religious beliefs, or even to believe in God to participate in this program.

Attend six meetings before you decide whether ACA is for you. This is the traditional wisdom. Why not two or three? That's a good question. We often need more than a few meetings to help us get our bearings and to overcome our initial denial. What you hear may make you sad, uncomfortable or angry. Try to examine your feelings. You may find yourself getting physical symptoms: dozing off, getting dizzy, feeling nauseated, anxious or headachy. All are typical. Talking helps.

There are some things that you should know about ACA meetings. First and most important, is that I am here for my health and my recovery, so the following are some general guidelines we try to follow to create a safe meeting atmosphere:

CROSSTALK

Lecturing, advice-giving, criticism, feedback, commentary on others, fixing, playing psychotherapist, etc. during the discussion part of the meeting is not permitted. Crosstalk violates the safety of the meeting by recreating the family experience of not being heard, being ridiculed, criticized or belittled. In ACA we work toward taking responsibility for ourselves rather than giving advice to others. We do this by sharing our own feelings, keeping the focus on ourselves. While it may be painful and difficult to do so, and new for most, this is how we get well in ACA. This isn't selfish, it is healthy. It is strongly suggested that the meetings be the safest place to share and that responses or discussion take place on a one-to-one basis outside the meeting.

 

ANONYMITY

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever minding us to place principles before personalities. We try to have no gossip or criticism among us. Anonymity allows us a new freedom to share our feelings and to experience an "Identity" apart from a "Label." "What we hear here, who we see here, let it stay here," is a good rule to follow in creating a safe place to share our Recovery without fear of gossip or retaliation. I have a right to say that I am in this program and at this meeting, but I do not have a right to say that you are in this program or at this meeting. I can say what I said at this meeting. I can't say what you said at this meeting. If I'm affected by something you said, I can always process this in a way where I'm still keeping the focus on myself.

 

PROMOTION

Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We can make information on ACA available such as a where and when flier or newspaper notice, but there is a difference between making the information available and "promoting." Remember that we are learning to let go.

 

FEELINGS

Sometimes we find these meetings disturbing as we get in touch with emotions we have denied ourselves until now. We may feel fear, or anger, or unexpressed love or any other human emotion. Sometimes we feel we belong, and at other times we feel alone and afraid. When we hurt, we cry; even tears from unknown sources are fully accepted here. Sometimes we laugh when we hear stories that parallel our own lives, knowing at last that we are not alone.

Sometimes the issue of "dumping" is raised by a member. This is where one member thinks another's sharing is just dumping his/her garbage on the group. However there's a problem with this because what is seen as dumping by one person may be legitimate sharing of feelings to another. A general guideline is that as long as the person sharing keeps the focus on him/herself, the expression of feelings is okay. When we feel uncomfortable about another's sharing, we examine ourselves rather than stifling the sharer.

Crying is not looked down on as being "on the pity pot." Crying is a necessary part of the process of grieving that we all found we had to go through. We are all grieving our losses; our childhoods; what others did to us; what we did to those we love; what we did to ourselves.

In addition, we ACA's are each responsible for our own recovery, which comes through the development of our inner voice. Remember, the overall solution is to become your own loving parent. The program is unique to each of us: we must learn to trust ourselves, not authority. We have no officials and our chairpersons are only trusted servants. We have no spokesperson, representatives or experts. Meetings are chaired by a different person each time. When meeting problems come up we talk about solutions in monthly business meetings. All are encouraged to attend.

Our last words at each meeting, before going our separate ways are ...

KEEP COMING BACK, IT WORKS.