The Process of Grief

The Process

1. Work through the denial that hides the anger.

2. Work through the anger that hides the hurt.

3. Work through the hurt that hides the loss and loneliness.

4. Work through the loss and loneliness that hides the total confusion.

5. Work through the lack of self-worth that hides lack of self worth.

6. Work through the total confusion that hid our unwillingness to give up our own control and our unwillingness to surrender our lives to a Higher Power.

Children who grew up in alcoholic/dysfunctional families face loss and thus grief. The first loss is of their childhood. Childhood is a time when children from functioning families learn certain things about life.

• Life is okay

• I am okay

• I can discover my needs.

• I can have wants, and have them met.

• I have a positive impact on the world.

• Change is possible.

• There are shades of grey, not just black and white.

• There are more than two solutions to any problem.

• Problems can be discussed.

• Other people are there for your support, and you for theirs.

• I can listen to criticism.

• I can confront others without destroying them.

Children from alcoholic/dysfunctional families also learn certain things about life.

• Life is to just "get through it," because usually it hurts.

• If I were okay, my parents would have stopped drinking.

• I have no needs or wishes. Other people have them and I can either ignore them or solve them.

• Change is too hard even to think about.

• There are only two solutions to any problem, both bad.

• Everything is either black or white.

• Problems are to be ignored through compulsive behavior.

• They will either go away, or I can create a crisis so they will get worse.

• If I confront somebody's behavior, they won't love me anymore.

In order to recover from the effects of parental alcoholism, children of alcoholics must grieve the loss of their childhoods. Grief is a prerequisite to healing. We were never loved unconditionally, and probably never will get unconditional love from our parents.

Another loss that recovering Adult Children of alcoholics must grieve is the loss of the compulsions that they used to get through life without feeling.

Still another is the loss of the roles we took on to survive in a chaotic family. Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse names these roles: The Chemically Dependent Person, The Enabler, The Hero, The Lost Child, The Scapegoat, and The Mascot. Claudia Black calls them The Responsible One, The Adjuster, The Placater, and The Acting Out Child. Each role helped us to survive our turbulent childhoods. But at some point in our adult lives these roles stop working. This can be a crisis point in our lives, and the beginning of recovery for most of us.