Double Messages

Double messages we received growing up in alcoholic/dysfunctional households.

LOVE vs.
REJECTION:
"I love you but don't bother me." In adult life we are attracted to relationships where we are rejected, because we equate love with rejection. We are used to being abandoned either emotionally or physically.

YOU CAN COUNT ON ME vs.
DISAPPOINTMENT:
"I'll be there for you... Next time." Our parents wanted credit for their good intentions, but didn't want their disappointing behavior to count. We learned not to want or expect things. We deny our needs because we don't want to be disappointed when our needs aren't met. We don't depend on others.

ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH vs.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW:
We were told to tell the truth...as long as it was what our parents wanted to hear. Truth became an ideal, lying the reality. In adult life we lie automatically (without guilt) even when telling the truth would be easier, or we become super honest.

EVERYTHING IS FINE vs.
A SENSE OF HOPELESSNESS:
We were told that everything was fine or would be alright, but the family atmosphere was one of hopelessness, depression, and anxiety. Everything is not alright. We now suffer from distortions in our perceptions of reality, we feel powerless over our lives and are often depressed and distrust our own judgment.

BLAME THE ALCOHOLISM vs.
EXCUSE THE BEHAVIOR:
The alcoholic parent did some negative or irresponsible behavior, like embarrassing us in front of our friends, and we were told by others not to get mad at the parent. "It wasn't his fault. He was just drunk." Or, "He just has a disease." We learned that "If I am drunk, I can do whatever I want."

MY DAD IS WONDERFUL vs.
MY DAD IS A DRUNK:
Friends told me how lucky I was to have such a fun father. They never saw him angry or abusive, and they didn't believe me when I tried to tell them.

I AM RESPONSIBLE vs.
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE:
We were told that if we were good our parents wouldn't have to drink. But even when we were as good as we knew how, it didn't work.